You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
