some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
