last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
