Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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