I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
