I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think my moral compass just broke
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