Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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