Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
