Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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