so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
