he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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