i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
