when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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