Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
