apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Fuck appropriateness.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
