fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
