I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
it glows. i had to have it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
