I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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