She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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