My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
