I am in a vortex of obligation.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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