i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
