God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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