So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
