she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
