Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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