We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
