God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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