After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize