things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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