fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
