i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
should my penis look like a turkey
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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