Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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