smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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