Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
