It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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