she smelled like a LAN party
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
