I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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