My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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