Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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