yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
