also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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