Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
