Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
where are you?
Hypothermia
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
