I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
