I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize