have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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