I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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