I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
