Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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