I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize