The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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