Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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