I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
