i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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