I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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