Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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