I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I enjoy the company of your penis
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