oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
These tits shall not be calmed
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
