I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
