4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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