i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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